Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My son and my husband

My son is only three years old. His name is Kaan, as you know. Up until now he was truly a mama’s boy, most of the baby’s are. He is depends on me from morning till sleep time for food, for sleep, for things he cannot do himself but desperately tries to; I’m his audience, his playmate, his teacher… When he cries he cries for mama, when he has a booboo, it doesn’t go away unless I kiss it. His dad is also very very involved, but it is not the same as mom.
Then suddenly “Pooff!”. His mom disappeared! She is not physically there for him anymore. She cannot provide. He tries to talk with her, no, can’t do; he wants her to carry him; nope, can’t do; he wants her to read to him as usual, or sing to him, no, no and no again. She sleeps the whole day, when she doesn’t sleep she has to work. Both Mehmet and my mom tell him over and over again that: mom is temporarily sick, but she will be better. She has lost her speech; she has to learn how to speak again; she has to work hard but she will speak again. She sleeps a lot because she needs to recover.
He understands all that, but because young kids live in the moment, he pushes hard for me to return back to normal. We had a sleep routine like many families: he has dinner, he takes a bath, then I read to him in bed. Now because I cannot read anymore we all lie down on his bed, Mehmet reads, he and I listen. After two weeks of this, he doesn’t want me in the room again. When I try to lie down, he pushes me out of the bed, he clings to his dad.
Of course, secretly I cry in the bathroom. But we do not give in. Mehmet tells him very sternly: “If mom goes out of bed, I go too! She is going to stay here with us and listen. Over time she will read you stories again, like she used to.” It is very hard on the children because they do not understand completely, it is impossible. It is hard on me to, my baby rejecting me. But my husband is on my side like a rock, we are in this together. Besides, I can assure you, years later, Kaan will not remember any of these. He will only remember the very last ‘me’, precisely because he lives in the moment.

Slowly I watch, how over these three weeks my son’s relationship with his father evolves, how it grows into a bourgeoning relationship that is more and more layered. Now Mehmet is the playmate, the reader, the explain it all person, booboo healer… I observe how much fun they have together, how much Mehmet cares about Kaan’s feeding, clothing, learning… I always knew that Mehmet loves Kaan beyond comprehension, but seeing the bonding happening between them…

You cannot imagine how much relieve a mom can feel when she knows her loved ones are in good hands (in this case in each other’s hands).I take so much comfort from the fact that they will be fine; no matter what happens to me, they will be fine. They will survive and prosper after I am gone. Don’t misunderstand me though. I am not going anywhere. I too will survive and prosper, no matter what. The constant worrying, the constant anxiety accompanying every parent disappears over time. At a time where I need to concentrate on getting better, this relief comes like a soothing ointment for my soul.

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